Let The Love In

Pastures new

As I hinted at in my last blog post, eagle-eyed readers will notice that I’ve made some big changes to this site. It’s now a simple blog, as I’ve launched a new site – anyapearse.com. It feels a huge step, to come out from behind the name of Let the Love In and create something in my own name – a step that feels overdue, but still nerve-wracking.

If you’re a WordPress subscriber, please consider joining my newsletter list? As a thank-you, I’ll send you a guide to a model of emotional regulation I’ve created, especially designed for facilitators (which will still hopefully make sense if you’re not a facilitator etc, lol!)

The Pearse Polyvagal Habitats Model – Facilitator’s Guide

This site will stay on the interwebs – perhaps indefinitely – and I’m working out what best to do with it. I will migrate the blog posts to my new site (leaving a trail here), but I can’t quite muster the time to do that properly at the moment (why yes, I DO have another university assignment due, how did you guess??)

I appreciate that some readers will not follow me, and that’s okay. If this website change means that you and I, dear reader, are to part, then I take this opportunity to say thank you.

Thank you for being here and reading my words, for spending a little time with me as I have navigated, with variable amounts of grace and buoyancy, the waves that almost certainly impact everyone; love, loss, happiness, grief. The waves have threatened to capsize me at times and yet here I am, setting sail in a slightly different craft, built for slightly different waters, but packing many of the same hopes, fears, resources, and dreams.

May our North Stars offer loving illumination for our future endeavours, may the currents carry us with tender ease, and may the breeze always have the scent of hope and possibility as it fills our sails.

Onwards 🙂

Blog, Self-compassion

Making plans

The 8th anniversary of this blog whizzed past me on the 15th of May without fanfare – without me noticing, even. It wasn’t until November 2018 that I began blogging at the start of every month, and in that time I’ve written about love, death, grief, and loss – all the small things in life, obvs.

My most recent major loss has triggered a sharp reappraisal of my future – both on a emotional level, but also a practical one, too – and, as a part of that, I’m reconsidering a number of things, including this site.

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Self-compassion

Catching breath

We’re halfway through 2022, and it’s been a pretty tough year for me so far.

In the northern hemisphere the longest day is almost upon us, and I’ve been wondering about what the next 6 months may bring and, more, what I would like it to bring.

I confess: I find it really hard to dream what that might look like.

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Blog, Self-compassion

Going where the energy is

I’m really struggling to do things at the moment.

Last weekend, on a sudden and strange impulse, I joined some friends as they took a Bank Holiday weekend road trip to an event in South West Wales, not far from where my mum was born.

Eschewing the event itself, I saw it as my the first true holiday in over a decade (ie, going somewhere for the sake of going somewhere, rather than to stay with friends or family, or attend a development event), booked a lovely Airbnb, and packed a good book.

Sadly I found no time for the latter and, rather than coming back refreshed, I’ve spent most of my time since returning in a crumpled bed-bound heap, wracked with exhaustion and the sadness that comes from reigniting a sense of isolation and not-belonging born from having high sensitivity, a long-term disabling illness, and mobility issues which leave me trailing behind.

Frankly, it’s pretty sucky.

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Blog, Inner Critic, Relationships

After the storm

A month has gone by since my mum passed away.

I returned home two weeks ago and, since then, the intensity of the whirlwind which was her final few days has loosened into an ever-present anxiety about completing the clearance of her flat at a distance.

To do so has relied on the kindness of strangers (lovely removal men, who brought a number of her possessions to me last week), and the kindness of an old friend who – as I sit here, and only just realise – I have known for 30 years this September.

It has been painful, unsettling, and revelatory to discover that I can rely on others to do the things that they promised to do, without resentment or passive-aggression on their part. To be in exhaustion and overwhelm over how much was yet to be done at my mum’s flat, and to have my dear friend Bronwen reply to each new realisation with “Not a problem x”.

It is a form of love which perhaps others take for granted. To me it feels so contradictory to the stories I tell myself about the world, that my nervous system struggles to process it.

As it does with my mum’s death. What a strange sentence to write; undeniably true, and yet seemingly impossible.

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featured, Relationships

Slowly, and then all at once

It’s 6pm on a Sunday in the middle of September, 2020. 30 hours earlier, and despite his wife being about to give birth to their third child, my friend Richard has driven from the Cotswolds to collect me in Hertfordshire and roared up the motorways to North East Wales, so I can see my 86-year-old mum safely. Only a few days earlier she was discharged after 8 weeks in hospital, returning home with a diagnosis of multiple myeloma. And here she was, being stretchered into an ambulance to return again, the four-hourly liquid morphine failing to offset the pain or mitigate the weakness resulting from losing 1/7^th of her body weight.

The paramedics explain that they’re going to drive nice and slowly, as my mum’s stomach feels unsettled. She asks why, though.

“They’re going to take it nice and gently, as they have precious cargo on board, mum. That’s what you do when you have something special and fragile to transport”

There’s a beat. And then she lifts her head to address us, her audience; “I told her to say that.”

One of them instinctively lunges towards me to catch me, as I almost fall over laughing.

Last Thursday, the 10th March 2022, marked my bright, funny, beautiful, and cheeky mother’s 88th birthday. But I am sad to say that she didn’t live quite long enough to see it.

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Blog, Relationships, Tips

A surprising key to intimacy

Whenever February appears, my thoughts turn to love.

(To be fair they often turn to love, regardless of the month, BUT HEY.)

I’ve recently picked up again my copy of psychologist George Pransky’s The Relationship Handbook: A Simple Guide to Satisfying Relationships.

As I dip into it I’m once again challenged and soothed by the ideas it shares, which include that our struggles come from our insecure thinking rather than what’s happening in our lives, that our moods are simply a reflection of the quality of that thinking, and to not take low moods – ours, and those of other people – too seriously (or to take action during them).

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Self-compassion

Purpose, peace, and pleasure

Hey there. Happy New Year 🙂

After my last post, which spoke about exhaustion and the need to rest, I took my own advice and have taken the last two weeks off from, well .. everything. No work, no studying, no meetings. It’s been wonderful as I’ve given myself the space to decompress from, well .. everything. We’re almost two years into a pandemic, and I remember thinking (and hearing from Brene Brown) that this will be a marathon, not a sprint. I don’t know about you, but it’s felt a lot like sprinting too much of the time.

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Blog, Self-compassion

Take time to rest

I had a pretty lousy thought on Monday morning. I mentally flicked through all of the commitments, plans, and deadlines I had coming up until the end of the year and noticed the following thought come up: “If I can just make it through the next three weeks…”

Not great, huh? And, while the time-frame is specific to my circumstances, I’m pretty sure I’m not alone.

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Blog, Relationships

Be more Dwayne Johnson

Just a quick one today inspired, I kid you not, by a recent interview with Dwayne Johnson (AKA The Rock).

It’s a great read. Johnson is a larger than life figure in more than just the films he’s starred in after his eyebrow-dancing success in WWE, but what you find here is the personal history of the man behind the tattoos and muscles; a history full of trauma, petty crime, and family dysfunction.

But what really caught my eye was this;

Johnson’s friend Oprah Winfrey detects something distinctive at work here. “Most people have the ‘Do you see me?’ gene,” she says, “but he truly has the ‘I see you’ gene.”
Dwayne Johnson Lets Down His Guard
Vanity Fair October 2021

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